Relax - The one about "absolut" of a very different kind

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JOANNE'S JOURNEYS: day 2
Straits Times Online Editor Joanne Lee shares about her 'grueling' one-week detox holiday in Koh Samui in this exclusive blog feature.

WHAT a beautiful morning it was on Monday when we woke up to clear fluffy-cloud-filled blue skies reflecting off the yellow Moroccon villa in a stunning vision of peacefulness. This was certainly an "Absolut" of a very different nature than the bottled versions I'm used to.

Just before our "wellness consultations", we caught up quickly with Claire Bostock, the younger sister of an old, ballet friend of mine, as well as my junior in JC. She now runs Absolute Sanctuary as Executive Director. I was asking her what on earth was that 7am juice delivery and carefully packed bunch of pills with my name on it for.

You want sanctuary? You got sanctuary!
[Photo: Janice Lee Fang]

She explained that since I had indicated - I had?! - that I would like to try the full-on Ultimate Detox programme, I'd need the detox juices four times daily to fill me up and the packets of pills to provide me the nutrients one would otherwise forego on a regular fast. So yes, apparently I was going on a seven-day fast: Apart from the detox juices, only clear vegetable broth to give me sustenance and the juice of a coconut or two.

I'm on Ultimate Detox?!
[Photo: Janice Lee Fang]

Even though I'm not a big fan of breakfast, I suddenly felt ravenous. Being deprived of something as dear to my heart as food suddenly made it a prized commodity. Claire Bostock, what are you doing to me! I mean, I know there's no such thing as a free lunch, but surely, there is supposed to be lunch?!

However, I was soon to change my mind.

I'm how heavy?! Oops.
[Photo: Janice Lee Fang]

After seeing the resort's Wellness Consultant and Director, Alister Bredee, listing out all my ailments - including almost every symptom of the following:

- Weight Gain
- Joint & muscle stiffness
- Lack of energy
- Poor digestion
- Insomnia
- Protruding abdomen
- Fatigue and depression

I decided I was prime candidate for the Ultimate Detox programme. Janice, being Miss Triathlete and all, didn't really require such drastic measures and happily chose an a la carte menu of spa treatments and full access to the Sanctuary's organic foods kitchen.

There was, however, a huge catch to me being on Ultimate Detox: Colonic Irrigation. I'd basically learnt about this in the good ol' Absolutely Fabulous days when Eddie (played by Jennifer Saunders) said the colonic flushing was fab and her no-nonsense daughter Saffy (Julia Sawalha) essentially replied: "Why can't you go to the toilet like everyone else, Mom?!"

Well, according to Khun Alaistair, “The average person has 3 to 6 kilos of impacted fecal matter sitting in their colon making them look and feel bloated and rundown.” That sounded like me, alright. Protruding abdomen and all.

So I thought, what the hell, I'll do it. I want to clean my body out, get my act together and hopefully jumpstart this aging body of mine. But hang on, they didn't give me much of a chance to prepare myself mentally. No sooner was I out of the good doctor's office, I was being whisked away to be prepared for a detox massage to get the lymphatic drainage system working before, er, you-know-what.

You must give it to the Thais, they know how to prepare you.
[Photo: Joanne Lee]

There, lie down and smell the pretty flowers, don't think of what's to come!
[Photo: Joanne Lee]

The detox massage was soft and enjoyable - until she started pressing some really painful spots in my abdomen, obviously to get me ready for the impending doom: Colonic Irrigation.

I'm going to feign writer's block here because anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm rather squeamish talking about all bodily sounds and odours. So I'm only going to say it once: I had a tube stuck up my bottom that pumped 24 litres of body-temperature water infused with minerals and instestinal cleasing flora that helped to push out unwanted toxins and poisoned poop. It was like: having the runs on the bed and not getting up immediately to rush to the loo to finish it off.

And that is all I'm going to say about that.
[Photo: Joanne Lee]

Afterwards, I felt decidedly odd and went off in search of my "broth". It wasn't too bad, really. It's this really tasty vegetable consomme that tasted rather like Tom Yam Soup once you laced it with lots of Thai lime, sea salt and cayenne pepper.

The seven-day-broth-fasting diet. Er, yum.
[Photo: Joanne Lee]

After lunch, during which Janice was trying all sorts of stuff from the detox, vegetarian and alternative (aka normal) menus - just because fit triathletes can (grrr) - we set out for some major body realignment.

I went for a traditional Thai stretch message (or what I call Lazy Jo's Yoga) while Janice went for a medical massage to sort the kinks in her body out. I swear, when we saw each other again, we were both just knackered. Here was this beautiful resort and we were crawling back to our room in pain - and in my case, certain invasive trauma.

In pain, want nap. NOW.
[Photo: Joanne Lee]

And that was our day, well, my day. Drinking four detox drinks a day, popping four tiny ziplock bags of health supplements, filling myself on nothing but broth, one shot of wheatgrass and the juice of a precious cococut.

At least Janice got to eat five meals, even if they were organic and not terribly filling for someone with as high a metabolic rate as she.

I know it's not the most exciting blog entry, but hey, it's our first day here and it was definitely a shock to the system.

Any bets on whether I'm going to last the seven-day challenge?

- Missed Day 1's blog "The one about the last hurrah"? Read it here.
- Stay tuned for day 3's blog entry as Joanne shares all about her 'ménage à trois'.

The one about "absolut" of a very different kind

By Joanne Lee, AsiaOne | Wed, Aug 19 2009

Getting down to business with a wellness consultation, massage and colonic irrigation (no, you didn't misread that).